The List: #22

It came to my attention last night at 4 am when I was up to pee for the 50th time that I hadn't written a List post in a LONG time. 

And now it seems the list is taking a sudden turn in the "mom" direction, so we'll see how the rest goes. 

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I have never, ever been one to dream of my future life. When I was a kid, I never dreamed of my wedding or imagined myself as a fire fighter, my main concern was just growing up. Which I sincerely regret now, because I feel like I didn't quite enjoy my youth as much as I should have.
 So especially now, I don't at all see myself in 5, 10 or 15 years.

I am making it a point to live in the moment. Even if that moment sucks. Because it has become abundantly clear that life is very, very short. 

And to be honest - the future scares the bajeezes out of me. It's uncertain. There are all sorts of philosophical quotes out there that say "the future is what you make it," blah, blah, blah - and that's true to an extent, I think.
But it's also incredibly uncontrollable. There's a lot of junk that happens along the way that we have zero control over.

And that, to me, is terrifying.

So for now, I'm not going to think about the future. I'm going to live today like I'm 25, with blue eyes and blondish-brownish hair, struggling to survive in a town I'm not fond of, holding on to the day that we live down the street from my sister, with a never-ending love for my family, an incredibly supportive husband, a dog that drives me crazy and makes me happy at the same time, all while being 11 weeks, 5 days, 3 hours and 12 minutes preggo. 

That's where I see myself now. 

And that's all I need at this very moment. 

My absence explained

Well hello, blogger friends. 

The lack of updates have been well intended, I assure you.

The temporary hiatus and abrupt cessation of my brilliant "April Challenge" were 

brought on by a terrifying, unexpected, and life-altering event....

you totally thought someone died, didn't you?

Yeah, that's right. 

I have a tiny 2.5 inch human squirming around in my uterus.

Uncomfortable with lady-part terminology? Best get used it it, bubba. 

'Cuz that shiz is going to be all sorts of up in my blog posts for the next....well, likely for the next 47 years. Or until the internet drowns in its own existence. 

Whichever comes first. 

Soooo...yeah.

That's basically why I suddenly stopped my April Challenge.

It was pretty annoying, dieting. 

I didn't mind much.

Now I get to eat whatever I want.

And by that I mean I basically eat whatever doesn't make me want to throw up when I think about it.

Seriously.

Process of elimination has become my ally.

What sounds good for lunch today....

Cheeseburger?

GAG

Nope.

Salad?

HURL VIOLENTLY

Yeah, no.

Mr. Goodcents chicken alfredo pasta?

I could not puke that up.

Done, son.

Unhealthy pasta it is.

The next asshat that writes an article about pregnant women eating healthy can drown in a pool of butter.
Because I could not give less shits about what I eat.

My favorite new rule: some sort of food actually sounds good? EAT IT.

And to be fair, I lost weight between my last two appointments, so clearly I haven't been pigging out more than the average preggo. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since telling people that I've finally [and accidentally] managed to get knocked up after nearly 4 years of zero birth control, I have noted five main questions I constantly get asked: 

1. How are you feeling?

This one is a double-edged sword; do they really want to know how I'm feeling or are they just being polite? Me, of course, being the type of person who says whatever is on her mind, goes ahead with the first assumption and tells the asker exactly how I'm feeling: super shitty. Which immediately makes me feel like a giant douche-copter, but hey - don't ask a question if you don't want an honest answer. 

2. How far along are you?

I only find this one to be weird because there's really nothing they can do with this information. What are they going to say, "oh, well you don't look that far along"? 

I guess they might say that. To which I would probably reply by simply throwing a rock at them. Because if there's one thing I've learned in these eleven weeks and five days of being knocked up, it's that every single day counts. 

So don't act surprised if, when you ask me this question, I respond with "11 weeks, 5 days, 16 hours and 42 minutes."

I prefer to be precise.

3. When are you due?

See now, this actually makes more sense than #2, if only for the reason that the questioner can say to themselves after, "so that's when she won't be so fat and cranky any more! Oh, and the baby will be here, I guess." 

It's on this list because, for some odd reason, this question often coincides with the latter. 

Me: I'm Pregnant!

Them: WOW!!! How far along are you?!

Me: 12 weeks, 4 days, 3 hours and 26 minutes.

Them: [admirably disregarding my blatant accuracy] So when are you due?

Me: [silent pause, followed by a long exhale, followed by...] December 5th.

Repetitive? Yes.

But you're talking to a girl who can barely add double-digit numbers in her head, so I'm not one to judge.

4. Are you finding out the sex?

First off, this is no one's business. Just want to throw that out there. But it's, like, the MAIN question I've been asked. 

That's right. Even before HowareyoufeelingHowfaralongareyouWhenareyoudue, they're just itching to judge me for being either a)crazy for wanting to be surprised or b)boring for wanting to know. 

There is literally no way to break middle ground there. Other than pushing a baby out of your lady parts, only to find out that your sono-tech was a complete moron and you now have to dress your precious little boy in a pink frock that you didn't really even want to put on your supposed "little girl" in the first place. Embarrassing.

5. Do you want a boy or a girl?

I find myself incredibly offended when people ask me this. Don't feel bad if you've asked this one; I'm not sure if I'm offended because I think it's rude for people to assume I want one sex more than the other, or because I feel like a shittastic mother for not giving two turds about it. 

And God forbid I actually say, "I really don't care" because they just don't believe me.

Seriously.

They may not say it, but I can see it in their squinty, little judgey eyes. 

All in all, I really, really don't care what we have. I think both sexes have their pluses and minuses.

6. What are you craving?

I don't see this one as being invasive or annoying, just more...well, disappointing when I give them the answer. Because really, I haven't been craving anything. Other than ice cream. Which I don't think I've been "craving" so much as allowing myself to eat it with the rationale of "I'm have a GD baby and I'll eat ice cream if I want it! Damnit."

I have yet to wake up in the middle of the night to stir  my husband and insist that he go to Dillon's to grab me pickles and peanut butter. That sounds effing tragic. 

Plus, my husband would probably club me over the head. And I wouldn't necessarily blame him.

As a summary, here are the answers to any questions you may be having:

Due Date: December 5th

Today I am: 11 weeks, 5 days [4 hours, 6 minutes, 13 seconds.....]

Yes, I have been a crazy hormonal lady.

No, I have not been running.

Yes, I finally found a doctor that doesn't suck balls. 

Yes, I have had every pregnancy symptom up to and including: nausea, migraines, insomnia, back pain, weird dreams, and incredibly real thoughts of killing my husband for putting me in this state. 

No, I have not had any weird cravings. Other than for David Boreanz, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

Yes, my average bedtime is 8:30.

Yes, this is currently how I'm wearing my pants:

No, I do not want to hear about how terrible your birth was, how many weeks overdue you were, or how much sleep I am NOT going to get once the baby gets here. I'll deal with that shit when I have to, and not a minute before. 

So, now that the cat's out of the bag I will be updating you with my hilarious pregnancy accounts. Or ranting about people who have annoyed me that day. It's gonna be a fuuuuun ride, kids. 

Join me, wontcha? ;)

A Letter to the Seniors

My baby brother is graduating high school in a mere 18 days. 

This is a tragic and incredibly emotional time for me for two reasons:

1. It means that my "baby" brother is now officially a grown up.

2. It cements my worry that I am, in fact, a hundred years old. 

And there's nothing I can do about either.

So, in the spirit of feeling nostalgic and depressed about my age all at the same time, I'm going to share some wisdom with you, graduating seniors. 

Listen up. 

Because I am incredibly wise.

My Dearest Seniors,

At this point, you're all 18 [or close to it] and you have your whole life ahead of you. 

[I never knew exactly how to respond when people told me that, since I had actually lived 18 years of my life already. "If we're getting technical here, I have most of my life left." Just smile, nod, and accept their card. It likely has money in it.]

Right about now, you're probably reminiscing about the wonderful times you've had up to this point, regardless of the fact that you bitched about it the entire time it was happening [don't feel bad; we all did]. I'm glad you're remembering the good times because I'm about to be the bearer of bad news: in a few short years, shit is going to hit. the. fan. No worries; you've got a while.

Next year, you're off to college. Temptations are going to come your way in the form of liquid courage, hot guys or gals [whatever floats your boat], and the ability to miss class without getting an unexcused absence. 

You make the call on which you give in to, but if I were to recommend one that you should kindly pass on, I'd go with the skipping class. Turns out you need to attend to pass and therefore get a degree. 

Plus, you're going to need that liquid courage to talk to the hot guy or gal. 

The next four years of your life are crucial. As in, if you don't get a friggin' degree, you'll be homeless for the rest of your life. 

At least, that's what society will tell you.

It's false, by the way. 

You'll be fine, whatever path you choose. Just...do us all a favor and choose the right one for you. God knows we don't need another miserable bastard working behind the counter at Subway in this world. 

It's easy to go into college thinking that you're completely sure about what you want to do with your life. There is an 85% chance this will change in the next year. Possibly sooner. And then, there's another 50% chance that you'll change your mind 3 more times after that. [These statistics are compliments of personal experience. Feel free to quote me.] And you know what? IT'S FINE. Change your damn mind now. Because if you don't, you'll be stuck in a career you hate for the remainder of your life. And you'll likely spend an exorbitant amount of money talking to a therapist about why, when you should've just listened to the wise Mallory when she told you to do so years ago. 

And yeah, your parents might throw a fit. Or a chair. But they'll get over it. 

Here's my advice for you in the coming months, and listen closely because this is important: 

1. Enjoy the last few months at your parent's house. 

You know that pantry that magically fills itself with delicious treats? Turns out, there's a little elf named "Mom" that stocks that pantry. And she uses money to do so. You will have neither of those things once you pack up that sporty two-door of yours and drive off into the sunset toward freedom. And that same little elf that does your laundry? She'll be kissing your ass goodbye because she will soon be down three loads a week, and that, to her, is bliss. You, on the other hand, will have to learn how to sort colors from whites and figure out how to turn that magical dial toward the least fun thing to do in the history of the world. Because you will not get any from that hot guy/gal with pink undershirts or jeans you've been wearing for 10 days straight.

2. Save up some cash.

Got a job this summer? Open up a savings account and put half of each paycheck in there. The other half can be used for stupid shit like gas and non-legal items you might buy that I don't want to know about. Don't have a job this summer? Grow up. You're going to need money for food and beer next year and asking your parents for cash after you leave the nest will make you feel like a desperate four-year-old. Trust me. 

3. Sleep in late. 

Odds are, if you're going to college next year you're either going to have early morning classes, or an annoying roommate that walks around like Godzilla getting ready for his early morning classes. Either way, enjoy sleeping in now - with peace and quiet. It won't be quiet for long..

4. Get rid of your crap.

Whatever your plans are for next year, you need to go through your junk and get rid of the kid stuff. I'm not telling you this to be cold; believe me, I'm somewhat of a hoarder. I'm telling you this because it's a way to move on. Those Scooby Doo underwear you've been wearing since 6th grade? Time to let 'em go. Throw them out along with your Ghost Buster's lunch box and Pokemon sheets. You don't have to forget about being a kid, but come on. Your roommate will throw you to the wolves if you show up to the dorms with that shit. Most importantly, you're just not going to have the room for it all. Minimalism is in, folks. And 10 moves from now, you'll be glad I suggested you downsize. 

5. Hug the parentals. 

It doesn't matter if you're a dude or a chick; your parents have made it a point to keep you alive for the last 18 years. They've fed you, clothed you, and sheltered you. And they've had your back, too. The jackass teacher who randomly decided to give you a second chance to write that paper? He didn't have a change of heart. Your mother changed his heart. And likely suggested she'd rip it out if he didn't. And lest we not forget the four times your father bailed you out of traffic tickets and fixed your car after. They have been through hell and back to make sure you didn't screw up your entire life thus far.

So give them a hug worthy of your favorite celebrity and please, for the love of God, don't eff up your college career. 

Make mistakes, change your mind, party, have fun, gain that Freshman 15, but please...for their sake...just GET THROUGH. 

If you're a senior now and you're reading this, just know that I envy you. The next few years of your life are going to be so badass, you don't even know. If you didn't listen to me before when I told you this, please do so now: enjoy it. Enjoy every single second. No crying about classes, no whining because you have to walk 4 miles from your parking spot to class, and absolutely no bitching about eating Ramen. That shit will keep you alive.

Love it all and embrace the poor life. It's the best life there is.

Here's your new motto:

"Money doesn't buy happiness. Ramen does."  

Sincerely,

[your fellow screw-up]

Mal

April Challenge: day 8 & 9

Sorry it's late! 

The language of love

My sister and I have been seriously slacking in the hilarious text message exchanges as of late. 

But M made a comment earlier that I just had to post. 

In case you've never met him, or don't know him all that well, he doesn't have a whole lot to say about..well, about much of anything. 

But sometimes, some real gems come out of that mouth of his, and they're typically pretty hilarious.

And yes, I am fully aware of how badly we spelled both of those "multi-cultural" words.

Neither of us pretend to care. 

Sorry for no update yesterday. I had 10 letters to paint for bats and a doctor's appointment at 7, so my night was incredibly full. 

On a positive note - I slept through the night without the aid of Tylenol PM (score), and this cold is ALMOST gone. Almost. 

I'll try to get an update up tonight. 

Weekend update

I am taking a day off from the video blogging because I am all...drippy, cough-ey, hack-ey; and it's gross.

And I wanted to spare you all from that debauchery. 

You're welcome.

Today was pretty good on the eating front, but I won't bore you with those details. I'll just leave it at that. 

Instead, I will leave you with a few pictures from this weekend! :)

We had an amazing time at Bowl for Kids Sake! It was a blast. We were surrounded by a bunch of people our age and they were so much fun. What a great time! I can't wait to do it again next year.

I'm on the downhill slope of this GD cold, so I will have more uplifting updates for you all soon. ;) 

until then - 

April Challenge: Days 6 & 7

I'm finally going to be caught up. Yay for me!