let's talk about rock bottom

[absolute honesty ahead! DANGER!]

We've all heard it before:

rock bottom

Systematically thrown out when describing an addict's journey. 

"She finally hit bottom." 

As if that ensures success. 

Let me tell you something, guys: 

rock bottom means nothing until the person hitting it realizes they are, in fact, drowning in their own shit,

getting pounded by said rock.

At the bottom of something.

Perhaps a ravine.
Or a waterfall.

Thus far, no one has asked me about my bottom. We talked about it a lot in rehab. Small groups centered around peoples' "rock bottoms," and they were incredibly eye opening. I often felt like I didn't belong there because I wasn't in legal trouble or I didn't wake up and start drinking. I never went to work after drinking or drank on my lunch break.

I just had a wine habit.

Just. 

Funny way of thinking about it. Because you know what I found out? My wine habit was "just" making me depressed. It was "just" ruining my fresh, budding second marriage. It had "just helped" me through a divorce.

My wine was JUST my crutch. 

I recently discovered, all by my own little self, that I have spent the past 10+ years drinking to process my emotions. And here I am, nearly 8 months sober, and I have no fucking clue how to deal with an emotion to save my life. 

I'm LITERALLY learning how to deal with my life. I have the emotional maturity of a 5-year old. And today I read this quote by the brilliant J.K. Rowling:

and I thought to myself 

1) JK ROWLING IS BRILLIANT

and 

2) Wow. I did this. I'm doing this.

Granted I'm not raking in billions of dollars per year due to my brilliance, but I'm also not in a jail cell or still drinking or losing my kids so I'll call it a win. 

Because even though my bottom isn't as serious as some of those I heard in rehab, I have a feeling I was headed down that path. That's what led me to head to Valley Hope at 11pm on a Sunday night back in July. 

"Bet you thought you'd never be here," I joked to my parents as I got out of the car. They left me in the intake room, tears in their eyes and mildly confused. Because they didn't think I had a problem. No one thought I had a problem, including myself, until that very night when I pronounced that I, in fact, DID. 

I've struggled with my relationship with alcohol for years. I took quizzes and I tried to moderate and I wallowed in denial until I just realized I was. 

I might not be the perfect picture of an alcoholic but I sure had a problem with alcohol. And I didn't want to head down that road. No way. I was not about to lose my kids or screw up another marriage and I sure as shit was not about to kill myself with poison. 

The two weeks I spent at Valley Hope were among the worst in my life, but the outcome was the best. I kicked and screamed like a toddler [ask my therapist]. Poor me! I don't want to be here! Waaa!! 

But I stayed. I stayed because I knew. I knew that I had to be there if I wanted real change. And I wanted real change.

Fast forward to an hour ago when I ran across that quote that I had seen before but never seen....and I realized that your rock bottom doesn't matter. What comes out of that journey to the bottom - that's what really matters. 

My bottom? I have no clue. It could have been when I was screaming at my husband that night, waking my kids from a deep slumber. It could be texting my therapist at 9 o'clock from rehab asking why the hell I'm even bothering with this. It could be when I found out my daughter was telling everyone at preschool that mommy was screaming last night and had to go to the doctor. It could be when I realized if it weren't for my children, I would not want to live anymore. 

Guys...the bottom doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's alcohol or drugs or sickness or a miserable marriage or lying or depression. 

None of that matters. 

All that matters is that you look up from that hole you've dug...

you find the teensiest bit of sunlight poking through...

and you DIG. YOURSELF. OUT.

I'm here. I'm proof that you can get to your lowest, no matter what that means, and you can live through it. 

Wow! Wine looks like shit on me!

I don't know what J.K.'s bottom was but I feel like I'm in good company. And this post? It's here to let people know who are going through some shit that they are not alone. Despite what those demons are telling you, you can and will dig yourself out. 

Get to diggin' folks. Life can suck sometimes but it's worth every minute. 

Better hurry because it goes by fast!

Let's not spend it dicking around with the one life we've got.