Friday, September 6, 2013

What I've learned in Two Trimesters

Today [I got distracted..] Yesterday marked exactly 27 weeks for the cinnamon roll baking in my ever-expanding oven. 
That's also exactly THREE months until my due date. 
excuse the terrible picture quality and really gross mirror.

Besides being scared shitless that I will be responsible for another human being in a matter of weeks, I'm also incredibly excited.
Like, I want this baby out now. And not because I'm so uncomfortable that my plans to make my husband suffer equally have become both incredibly elaborate and painful...
no, really, I just can't wait to snuggle that little weasel of mine. ;)

After posting a third trimester update to Facebook [hey, I haven't posted a lot of pregnancy garb on my personal page. give a mama a break.] it suddenly dawned on me that I had been growing a human for exactly one half of a year.
For some reason that really resonated with me. 

This hasn't been an easy transition by any means. I've bitched and moaned about aches, pains, and the changes my body has experienced, but in the grand scheme of things it's quite impressive to think about the capabilities of a woman's body. I've loved feeling her kick, seeing her roll around in my belly, and day dreaming about our lives when she finally arrives. 

The road has been tough; I've learned a lot in the process and I can't say whether or not I'll be able to do this all over again. But what I can say for sure is this: it's been a wild ride. 
One that I'll never forget. 

Without further ado, here are some of the things I've learned along the way:

- In everyday conversation, anything goes
I've beaten this one to death, but it goes without saying: when you're pregnant, apparently the social rules that generally apply to human interaction do not apply to you. People believe, for unknown reasons, that they can say anything to you. Your best bet is to write it off as a good story to tell and move on. Otherwise you're likely to end up as somebody's bitch at county and no one wants that, namely your baby.
-Parenting advice
I've already received an entire binder's worth of parenting advice from people and I don't even have a kid yet. It goes without saying that people love doling out advice on how to raise your kid. And their way is the best way, of course. No book you read could EVER compare to the magic that is parenting advice from a random stranger. [meanwhile their kid screams, hits them in the leg and runs off]
Some of it really is useful. You know, like the kind you ask for. For instance, I am constantly asking people I know what their opinions are on certain things. You see, the difference here is that I'm actually asking. Therefore I care what their response is. The same cannot be said for people who just throw it on me because they think they're Dr. Phil and believe I would truly be amiss without it.

- Curiosity killed the cat
But not the creep at your local supermarket, unfortunately. Anyone and everyone will ask you incredibly personal questions. Are you going to breastfeed? How much weight have you gained? How are you feeling [though to be fair, how personal this one gets depends on how you answer]? Have you had any weird cravings?
Pregnancy is simply fascinating to most people and they're not afraid to ask you anything and everything that's on their mind.

- Redundancy is key
Along those same lines, you will also get asked the same questions over and over. What question depends on how far along you are in the pregnancy.

First Trimester [not showing, but people know] thru Second Trimester [early]:
When are you due? 
Do you want a boy or a girl?
How far along are you?
How are you feeling?
How much weight have you gained?
Any weird cravings?
Are you hungry all the time?

Second trimester, late [showing now]:
Is it a boy or a girl?
Are you going to breastfeed?
How much longer do you have?
How are you feeling?
Is the nursery done?
Can you feel her kick yet?
Where are you registered?
How much weight have you gained? [this one never gets old]
Are you going to be induced?
How much maternity leave are you taking?
Are you ready?

It's best to just assume that people think pregnancy is mystical and compare yourself to a unicorn or something, otherwise you'll jump off the deep edge after the fifteenth time answering, "It's a girl and I'm not going to breastfeed, I'm going to feed her POND WATER. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE."

-Sleep is a thing of the past
People like to terrify pregnant women by exclaiming,"Just wait 'til the baby's here - you'll never sleep!" It gets said in many different forms, but if sleep is brought up in any conversation and a pregnant woman is present it's going to come up. Because why wouldn't you want to point out how shitty the first year with their new baby is going to be? What a fun way to say "welcome to Parenthood!"
Every time someone says something like this to me, I always respond with a heavily-salted-with-sarcasm, "well I haven't been sleeping since I got pregnant anyway, so I guess I'll be ready." Sometimes I add a "yeah, bitch" to the end, but only if I'm feeling particularly sassy that day.
Every pregnant woman knows that sleep during pregnancy is next to impossible. Between peeing every hour, anxiety about sleep positions, nightmares about child birth, and a general sense of feeling like a blimp, it's rather difficult to get solid shut-eye.

Would you care to know how many times I woke up last night?
9 times.
You know when I counted how many times I had woken up?
After I woke up for the ninth time and couldn't fall back asleep.

Best invention ever? Pregnancy pillows. 

-You're not a serial killer
Between the daily inappropriate comments from your coworkers, feeling like you're going to pass out from exhaustion, and the mere sight of your husband, it's easy to assume that pregnancy has turned you into a mass murderer. Thoughts of killing people are anything but few and far between when your eggo is preggo.
Have no fear - it's totally normal! You don't really want to kill people, it's just that thinking about doing so cures the need to actually do it. It seems backwards, but trust me - it all works out in the end.
You don't want to bottle that shit up. Embrace it. Just...stay away from the knives.

-Pregnancy is NOT awesome
"This is such a magical time" has pretty much become a mantra of mine whilst growing a human. In the most sarcastic way I can express, of course.
Don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed that we finally managed to reproduce, but the process in which it happens is just not my particular brand of vodka.
Occasionally you will come across a person who, when you express your hatred for pregnancy, replies with the ever-annoying, "WHAT?! I LOVED being pregnant!". It is okay to assume that these people are either A) lying to you or B) lying to themselves. No one in their right mind can say with certainty that they enjoy constant nausea, leg cramps, hot flashes, back pain, or the feeling of carrying around a 15 pound bowling ball all day. It's just not plausible.
You are also welcome to visualize punching them in the face [remember...prison is a scary place].
Believe me when I say that I am perfectly aware of the miracle I get at the end of this process, and I am SO friggin' excited to meet her that I could scream. But knowing that really, really doesn't make all of the horrible stuff any better. It just makes it mildly tolerable.
But, hey, I'm creating a human, so I feel like I can bitch.

-The hubs is full of surprises
I knew from the minute I told M that he was more excited than I was. [I had to find out via peeing on a stick, he got a fun surprise when he got home from work. Can you blame me?]  I was terrified beyond belief and he was just thinking about the end game. After all, he didn't have to worry about pushing a 9 pound human out of his man parts.
Having him here along the way has really helped me keep it together. We've had our weak moments, don't get me wrong. At one point when discussing child care options, I was sobbing so hard that I was sort of snorting and coughing all at the same time. Not to mention the dripping. Oh the dripping...
Regardless, it's safe to say that he has kept me sane throughout all of this. He puts up with my violent mood swings, continuous baby purchases-

 ridiculous hypochondria, and the giant tooth I sleep with every night-
and he's kept us both alive through my pregnancy brain-
I've since been disallowed to use anything involving fire.

Plus, he feels genuinely bad that I feel like ass. Any time I moan or groan or just yell at the wall for no reason at all, he just rubs my back and asks if he can get me anything. And when I say "NO." in an incredibly rude tone, he just ignores me and continues rubbing my back.
Don't even get me started on the talking he does with Addi. It's so cute I could die. Last night she was kicking me in the ribs and he goes, "Addi, quit kicking your mama!". Um, hilarious. As if she's going to listen.
I'd say he's been a trooper, but that doesn't even do him justice.

Did I mention that he read an entire baby book on his day off the other day? Yeah. He did. That's after the other two that he's read. And we're talking about a man who, before this whole ordeal, only read articles on electronics and cars.

I'm one lucky gal to have him by my side through all of this. Because if I've wanted to kill him, a man who has actually tried to make this experience less terrible for me, I can't imagine having a husband who didn't give a shit.
Well, I can imagine, actually.
I'd be someone's bitch for sure.

1 comment:

  1. I wish my preggo pillow worked for me... What a waste of $50 down the drain. And I hate all those redundant questions. This is a hilarious post... and oh so true!


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