I haven't done a funny post in a while, so I figure it's about time. And since my blog has now turned into a full on pregnancy saga, this topic will fit in well.
Ask any pregnant woman about pregnancy horror stories and they'll likely start out their response with, "One time I was _______[insert harmless, everyday task] and some person said _____[insert inappropriate comment from a random stranger].
Because apparently when a woman becomes pregnant, she is automatically up for annihilation in the "it's okay to say whatever is on your mind, however socially unacceptable it may be otherwise" department.
Those of you who have bore children have stories of your own.
Those of you who are partners to those referenced above have consoled their partners over these stories.
And those of you who have yet to experience the magic of pregnancy should be warned; you will have horror stories of your own.
But sometimes, no matter which category they fall in to, people just don't think about little things they say to a preggo that could either:
a) bring her to tears or
b) anger her to a level that forces her to visualize ripping their head off and throwing it in to a raging river.
[they're really lucky she's only visualizing]
So, to those people [I'm not referring to any of you, don't worry] I raise one giant middle finger and offer the following advice:
Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman:
[all of the following have actually been said to me by other human beings]
1. Should you really be eating that?
You know what? You're right. I haven't been able to stomach food for 24 hours, but I should really be watching what I eat. In fact, could you perhaps make up a pregnancy meal plan that I could follow? It's so convenient that you're a doctor!
Because apparently when my OB said everything was progressing fine with my pregnancy, what he really meant was, "Well, it looks like everything is going really well except for the time you nearly killed your baby by eating a turkey sandwich from Subway."
2. You drink CAFFEINE?! That's horrible for your baby!
Guess what, asswipe? I wake up FOUR TIMES EVERY NIGHT just to pee. That doesn't include the times I wake up from a weird nightmare or my daughter kicking me in the ribs. In order for me to function in society at all, I have to consume caffeine. The acceptable maximum DAILY amount of caffeine for a pregnant woman is 200 mg. I can have FOUR CANS of Mountain Dew [one for each time I wake up in the middle of the night] and not exceed that limit.
So suck it.
3. Better move over, the pregnant lady's food is up!
If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself, "there's no way anyone said that to her" then you, my friend, are incorrect.
Someone DID say that to me.
Just sit on that for a while.
Now, please excuse pregzilla as she goes to order her tenth sandwich for the day.
4. You look like you could give birth any day!
If you've ever been victim to my death stare, I assure you the look I gave this woman was a hundred times worse. The thought of that might frighten you, but she deserved it, no?
NO pregnant woman wants to hear anyone comment on her size.
Hearing "you barely look pregnant!" when you're not very far along just causes us to remember that we've got a long friggin' way to go. Or that we're not nourishing our baby enough. [Please note: This comment does not bother us when we're 6 months or more along]
And someone telling us we essentially look like a giant BLIMP causes us to go back to those head-ripping-off visualizations.
Because no one, and I mean NO ONE, can know just how big we actually feel.
5. You have to eat more!
I know, this is contradictory to #1. Between worrying about child birth, miscarriage, developmental disorders, stress, anxiety, pre-term labor, appropriate weight gain, and a multitude of other things, I also have to remember to eat 40 servings of fruits, veggies, grains, and protein every day. But not too much, of course.
I've told you all before that this pregnancy has been weird simply because I have yet to gain any weight. And you wouldn't think this would be a problem that I would hate. Which I don't. But only because my baby is growing and my ass hasn't collected any more cellulite than it had before. However, it has caused my husband and family to grow concerned. Which I totally get. I myself am guilty of doing this to my sister when she was pregnant with my nephew. [Please forgive me, Megh. I want to punch myself in the face for that now.]
But I physically cannot overeat. I can't do it. It kills my stomach and makes me 100x times more uncomfortable [and I'm already at a DEFCON 1 on the uncomfortable scale].
6. You've still got a long way to go!
I don't care if pregnancy lasted 4 weeks [oh what a beautiful world that would be] and I had two days left until delivery - saying "you've got a long way to go!" makes a pregnant lady want to induce her own labor that very minute.
Because the idea of going one more DAY in this state is not appealing to anyone, no matter how pleasant it has been along the way. So when I bitch about how uncomfortable I am or how I feel like the Hindenburg, it does NOT help to remind me that it will only get worse.
Not even a little.
7. We're all scared of you.
Good. Now leave me alone, dude.
But seriously, that's just mean. I know I've been a hormonal bi-otch throughout this entire pregnancy, but to be fair I totally warned everybody I would. Save for feeling my baby girl kick and wiggle around in my belly, I have NOT enjoyed this pregnancy one bit. And one HUGE reason for that is because everyone thinks it's okay to weigh in on what I'm doing, how I look, and also how horrible birth is. My sister in law told me before I was even pregnant that during this time, women experience 30 YEARS worth of hormones in a period of 9 months.
Now do I seem so scary? Can you blame me for not being Miss Perky Petunia??
So saying I'm "scary" doesn't help. It makes you look like a dick.
8. You're not at least going to try breastfeeding?
I want to preface this one by saying that I haven't fully decided on this yet, but I'm leaning more toward the formula feeding only route. And despite what other people think, believe, or care about, in the end it's my decision. My kid is going to be fine either way. I know kids who have been breast fed and kids who have been formula fed. They're equally awesome. So if I don't want to have the added stress of being the ONLY person who can nourish my child, I'm not going to do it. To me, that's way too much pressure to put on a brand new mom.
If you did or are going to do it with your kid, great. I'm totally envious of your diligence. But choosing not to doesn't make me any less of a person or a bad mom.
Now, despite all of the dip-shit things people have said to me, I'm pleased to announce that the amount of good comments outweigh the bad.
I have such amazing friends that are supportive of my moody, sarcastic personality. In fact, they've learned to embrace it. And I love you all for that.
So when people say things like -
You look SO cute!
You don't look like you've gained any weight!
Good for you for drinking soda!
You're all belly!
I love the name you picked out!
And the ultimate:
You're going to be an amazing mom!
- I want to hug the living crap out of them.
In a good way.
As I said before, none of you wonderful readers/friends/family have said any of the aforementioned comments to me, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Because despite the good outweighing the bad, for some reason, you still tend to remember the bad.