Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The List: #22


It came to my attention last night at 4 am when I was up to pee for the 50th time that I hadn't written a List post in a LONG time. 

And now it seems the list is taking a sudden turn in the "mom" direction, so we'll see how the rest goes. 

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I have never, ever been one to dream of my future life. When I was a kid, I never dreamed of my wedding or imagined myself as a fire fighter, my main concern was just growing up. Which I sincerely regret now, because I feel like I didn't quite enjoy my youth as much as I should have.
 So especially now, I don't at all see myself in 5, 10 or 15 years.

I am making it a point to live in the moment. Even if that moment sucks. Because it has become abundantly clear that life is very, very short. 
And to be honest - the future scares the bajeezes out of me. It's uncertain. There are all sorts of philosophical quotes out there that say "the future is what you make it," blah, blah, blah - and that's true to an extent, I think.
But it's also incredibly uncontrollable. There's a lot of junk that happens along the way that we have zero control over.

And that, to me, is terrifying.

So for now, I'm not going to think about the future. I'm going to live today like I'm 25, with blue eyes and blondish-brownish hair, struggling to survive in a town I'm not fond of, holding on to the day that we live down the street from my sister, with a never-ending love for my family, an incredibly supportive husband, a dog that drives me crazy and makes me happy at the same time, all while being 11 weeks, 5 days, 3 hours and 12 minutes preggo. 
That's where I see myself now. 

And that's all I need at this very moment. 

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