Tuesday, September 11, 2012

namaste

Goooood morning all. 

I read a post this morning over at Jenni's blog Story of My Life. It was a super interesting perspective that I don't think about that often.

Summary of the story was that of her and her hubby getting into it regarding her style/dressing/makeup choices.

Now, I can't say that I have many issues with this.
I like to think that M has come to grips with the fact that flannel, t-shirts, and skinny jeans are my go-to outfits.

But now that I think about it, I recall last Friday when I was on outfit 12 [of 22]  and grabbed a flannel button up to wear over my Keep Calm shirt. 

Step away from the flannel
he says.
Um...rude.
First of all, the only reason I had grabbed the flannel is because:
a) it's awesome
b) it's warm
and 
c) it masks everything I don't want to see when I look at myself in any sort of reflective device.

I'm in a fragile state right now, in terms of confidence.
By that I mean - I have none.  
I'm working on it - slowly but surely - and I've made some progress.
But getting dressed to go out, or even just to go over to my in-laws for dinner, is quite the fiasco inside my head.

Typically I end up putting on a shirt that is more than likely too tight, and then by the end of it [and likely after changing shirts 5 times] I just throw on a zip up hoodie or button up shirt on top. 

It's actually better because then I'm not tugging at my shirt all effing night.
That action is irritating in itself.

My husband, through all  of this, has been very helpful.
I'm the one who's making it difficult.
He's constantly telling me I look beautiful and great and so skinny. To which I usually reply with an eye roll and some remark that is both degrading to my ego and throws his comment out the window all at the same time [that takes talent]. 

It's impossible for me to take compliments.
Absolutely impossible.
I always - and I mean always - divert the compliment in another direction.
"Cute outfit!" Oh, I hate this top."
"Your hair looks great!" "Man, it's driving me crazy today!"
"Have you lost weight?" "Ugh, I wish."

Can't just smile and nod.
Nooooo.
 Have to think of something that will make it impossible to feel good about myself.


I'm straying from my point here..

I've been doing great with working out, eating right - not so much.
I'm honing in on that more, but I think my biggest problem right now is negative self-talk.
That's a huge issue for a lot of people.
Me being one of them.

So, I guess I'll just have to do something about that.
I find it impossible to care about working out and eating right if you don't care how you feel about yourself. Feeling great is the whole point of all of these efforts I've been putting forth. If I don't feel great afterward, then what the hell's the point?

I woke up this morning in a mood of sorts. I was up at 5, then 5:30, then 5:40 - that's just the worst way to wake up. I went to yoga, even after I attempted to talk myself out of it, and I'm going to step class tonight as well. I think a day of a couple of great workouts will be perfect - especially since Parenthood starts tonight and I'm freaking STOKED.
Alright, kids - to end this post: a few pics from this weekend:


3 comments:

  1. This was a great blog because you're so honest. I can totally relate to your self-confidence issues and deflecting every compliment coming your way. D tries to say something nice and I shove it in his face that I'm neither skinny nor beautiful and that "these pants actually make me look really fat." How do these men put up with us?! Haha. I wish I had your determination to get up at 5 every morning. 6:00 am is pushing it for me! We will both try harder to accept compliments and believe in ourselves ;). You're awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miss Mallory!
    I love your blog because each one let's me know you a bit better! I wish you could see yourself the way all of us who care about you do! You are such a remarkable, talented young woman! I do know how one feels when we are being really hard on ourselves! You are taking so many positive steps and, despite the crazy early am hours, they are going to help you meet your goals. If I can ever help in any way, I would be honored! You are very special to me!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So, Thanks for stopping by my blog, you have me in tears with this post and I've never met you. I totally sympathize with this kind of thinking and I think it's pretty common. Your blog is awesome, and I love that you stay so positive, cause we all know that is freakin hard to do sometimes. Consider me your newest fan too. Thanks for spreadin the love. ;)

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts? Love to hear 'em.