Monday, September 24, 2012

a cliche post about how men are idiots.

I found this list when I was stumbling the other night. I wanted to respond to this with the appropriate amount of sarcasm it deserves. My thoughts are itallicized.

[This is aimed at the guy who wrote this, by the way. My husband doesn't think this way (in my head, anyway) and if he does, he has the sense to keep it to himself.]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Alright, first off: tone it down with the caps. You didn't even use it correctly. Caps lock is used when a situation arises that needs proper emphasis. For example: You're a COMPLETE idiot. This emphasizes the word "complete," clearly addressing the fact that just saying "you're an idiot" wasn't enough. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 
This is a tired argument. Girls bitch at you for this because touching a toilet seat is freaking repulsive. And since we assume that you're not going to wash your hands [nor do you care], we figure...hey, why not add some extra bacteria to those already-infested filanges? Put the seat down and quit whining about it. Be a man.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Two words: bull shit.  I don't want to watch your crappy team lose any more than you want to sit around and watch Lifetime movies. The door swings both ways, dude.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 

I have yet to ever meet a woman who has called shopping a sport. I hate shopping. It is Number 2 on my top 10 least favorite things to do, second only to banging my head against a concrete wall for 12 hours straight. 

1. Crying is blackmail.

Don't act like an asshat and we won't cry. Easy fix. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! 

Here's a thought: LISTEN. Women are easy to read. Here's the key to life, kids: whatever a woman says, assume that she means the opposite. Why do we do this? No one knows. But it's a genetic default, so don't blame us. Blame Eve. I'm sure it dates back to that. 
Adam: Do you want this apple?
Eve: Sure! [he's cute, I can't say no] 
Thanks a lot, you dip. 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Why are you mad? No
Why do you love me? No
Why are we married? No
Why are men so clueless? Yes

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Guess what? You're a douche.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
My husband bitched like a little girl for two solid weeks when he had a sinus infection that could have been cured with medication because he refused to go to the doctor. Don't even.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Nuh-uh. You can't take back stupid comments you've made any more than I can take back that second piece of cake I just ate. 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

The last thing I want is for my husband to act like a whiny little soap opera girl guy. This argument is not valid. 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Shit just got real. And by that I mean I just kicked you in the face. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Here's a thought: do it and don't half-ass it. Easy peasy. I'm not your effing mother and probably shouldn't have had to "ask" you do to it in the first place. Get it together.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Says the guy who falls asleep halfway through the show. 
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Yes, wasting time, money, and gas is always the better answer. Ego over efficiency every time.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Well that makes two of us, buddy. I don't even know how to pronounce mauve, let alone pick it out on a color wheel.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

Fair enough. Just know that you look disgusting when it happens and I will tell you so every time.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

The reason we say this is because we don't want to go to the "hassle" of explaining every time exactly why you're such a nit-wit.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Men do not think this deeply. You will be single for the rest of your life if you live by this philosophy, mainly for being such a train-wreck of a human being.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

This one's fair. I believe it.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Clearly I married the right guy because I don't think any of these topics have ever ran through his mind.

1. You have enough clothes.

I'll take clothing advice from you when you stop wearing the clothes you wore in high school. Until then, shut your pie hole.

1. You have too many shoes.

Your shoes are disgusting. It's okay to have more than one pair, you know.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

"1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys." If you expect us to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, you should probably reconsider your thinking on this one. "Round" ain't gonna cut it. 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men  really don't mind that? It's like camping out.

Have fun on your camping trip. Enjoy the wrath that will soon befall you.

Hope you chuckled along with me. Male-bashing is always a good time. We hear about our faults enough, I figured I might as well have my way with the topic. ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thoughts? Love to hear 'em.