Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Awkward Wednesdays

Do you ever think to yourself....
why can't I just be happy with who I am??

It's exhausting, caring so much about how different my life could be.
In my opinion - the grass isn't greener on the other side.
The other side doesn't have grass.
It has sand.
And an ocean.

So, the sand is...well, the sand is at least present on the other side.

Which brings me to my point [in a roundabout way]:


actually, I don't really know what my point is here.

The past 6 months have been rough [as I've said before..really beating that one to a pulp]
 and my self esteem has just plummeted. the center of the Earth. Or outer space or something.

It's mainly because I haven't been exercising.
Or eating healthy.
And [before putting our house on the market] putting off housework & laundry.

Which means that for the past couple of months
my clothes are fitting tighter,
I've felt sluggish,
and my laundry has formed a pile similar to that of an Egyptian pyramid.

The frustrating part is knowing that I can do it, yet not getting it done.

I can't figure it out. I know how to eat healthy. And I know how to exercise.
And I certainly hope I know how to do laundry, otherwise you guys are just too nice to tell me I stink.

I've been a member of Sparkpeople for almost 3 years.
 That January when I joined, I was frustrated and deemed my New Year's resolution to be:
lose weight.
And I may have been 1 out of 1 million that year who actually kept her resolution.

Amidst the crowds that flock to the gym, I was one that was still chuggin' along in May. And I kept going until I got to my goal. 

And guess what?
Even when I got to my goal, I said to my mom "I just want to drop 5 more, but it won't come off!"
And she said to me..."do you ever think you are supposed to be at the weight you're at?"

Because my mother always thinks I'm beautiful regardless of my jean size.

But she's got a point, right? 
I wasn't happy then, at my lowest weight since high school.
I mean, I was the happiest I had ever been, constantly getting compliments & feeling energetic & wearing cute clothes.
But I wasn't happy with me

I'm so frustrating sometimes.

 I don't know what to do.
Seriously, I'm at a loss.

I feel like I'm just...stuck.
Like, in Neverland.
Without the fairies and flying and stuff.

This is getting heavy, so I'm going to turn it around, here..

I signed up for the Color Run in Lawrence on October 6th.
 It's just a 5k, but I have to start training now,
because I couldn't run a 5k right now if someone was behind me the whole time,
prodding me with a sharp stick.

Hey, remember that one time I ran a half marathon?
Yeah, I'm a badass. Don't deny it.
 13.1 miles, no big deal.

I'm reading this book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Her Blog.
It's a year-long experiment she did in an attempt to become happier in life, marriage, kids. Everything.

It's brilliant. 
In theory, anyway.

I used to think positively, and not complain as much, and not feel so...blah.
It all comes down to self-esteem.
All of it.

Got it?

Because if you're down on yourself,
and I mean nothing
seems good.
It's just...meh.
You do things because you have to, not because you want to.
That's just no way to live your life.
Gretchen says in her book that you're always waiting for the next thing to make you happy;
 "'What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.' I didn’t want to look back, at the end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think, 'How happy I used to be then, if only I’d realized it.'"
Rubin, Gretchen (2009-12-16). The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun (pp. 2-3). Harper Collins, Inc.. Kindle Edition. 

I'm constantly doing that. For instance, lately I've been telling myself "oh, I'll exercise more at the new place because there's sidewalks & a park nearby", or "I'll run more when it's cooler outside" [yeah, because they don't have those magical machines that allow you to run inside]. 

You know how some people have an angel & a devil on either shoulder?
Mine aren't on my shoulder.
They're in my head.
Which, in actuality, is the same thing.
Whatever, that's not the point.

The point is, the devil in my head has taken over and is constantly belittling my angel.
Quite frankly, I'm beginning to think the angel is balled up in a corner somewhere, smashing its wings & picking at its halo, nervously.
[my devil is a bully]

My intentions here were not to depress you or make you feel sorry for me.
That's the last thing I want. 
Though, it's taking that road now, eh?

All I'm saying is...this is my blog. And you guys are my pals.
I had to tell someone, otherwise I would just combust.
And also, because I know every person reading this - boy, girl, man or woman - can relate to at least some of the things I've said. Self image is the depth of our souls. If you have a soul, odds are you've struggled with it.

 I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have a plan.
I just need to do it.
NIKE style.
 Peace out, homies.
I'm off to brainstorm.


  1. I'm also running the Color Run Oct 6! You can do it, Mal! I relate to this because even since doing Insanity I've only lost 4 pounds, but D always reminds me that the numbers don't matter and as women we are our toughest critics. You got this. Focus on you and your happiness.

  2. We are our toughest critics! You are one of the most remarkable young women I know! Everything will fall into place!


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