Laughing always gets me out of a craptacular mood.
Jim GaffiganWhenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. You can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big building I like food bye..'
Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'
How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"
[I know, I know. Most people think he's a total idiot. I think he's hilarious]
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someone's just hiding there and comes out and punches you in the face..... *argh* Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
Nobody talks to that guy...but let me tell you something; every job I ever had in my life, I talk to that guy. I'd talk to him. I'd find him on purpose, and I'd have little chit chats with him and I'd be very interested and be like 'by the way, here's a snickers. That's for you. Peanuts, caramel - put that in your mouth. Enjoy that.' You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes and he *fffffffffp* snaps, and he comes into work with a sotoff shot gun, walkin' through the halls, *gunshot noises* and he finally gets to my office, he's gonna be like, '*GASP* THANKS FOR THE CANDY!' *Continues shooting* You laugh now, but you know Monday morning, you're gonna be like, 'heyyyy MARCUS!'
When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."
Brian Regan“A serving size on ice cream is like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? "Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size. Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that." You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? "Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?" "Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream. Ya, a whole half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls.”
“So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I'm reading the label to make sure everything's fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.”
“I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!”
"I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up.
The day where it all went wrong was the day of the spelling bee. It was up until that day that I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know.
Then the spelling bee day popped up.
"Alright kids up against the wall. It time for public humiliation. Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends. That would be great for little egos, 'Hey look at me! I'm a moron, I wasn't even close! I was using numbers and stuff!"
That's why I admire that kid who spelled it wrong just so he can sit down, you know. He knew he wasn't going to win so stand up there for 3 hours. First round, 'Cat' k-a-t, I'm outta here. Then as he pasts you,(chuckling)"I know there 2 t's." I rembember my teacher asks me,
"Brian, what's the i before e rule?"
"I before e... ALWAYS."
"What are you, an idiot, Brian?"
"I before e except after c and when sounding like a as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
"That's a hard rule. That's a— that's a rough rule."
Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”
“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”
(sigh) “On weekends and holidays!!!”
“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything,Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”
“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”
“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”
"No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what's the plural for goose?"
"Geese. I saw a flock... of geese."
"Brian, what's the plural for moose?"
"MOOSEN!! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen. The meese want the food in the woodyesen! In the, food in the woodenesen!"
"Brian! Brian. You're an imbecile."
"What are you speaking? German, Brian?"
"German. Jermain. Jermaine Jackson. Jackson Five. Tito!"
"Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?"
"I don't know, I don't know really." I think the worst day was the day the science project was due. Wakin' up that morning, that was fun. Your head would pop off your pillow. "Oh no....that's due today! I had nine months to work on it, I did nothing. I have a cardboard box, uh, boxen." And you show up, you're scared 'cause you don't have anything good and you find out all the other kids their parents made their's for them. I hated that. One kid with a volcano, he didn't know how to zip up his pants but he built a volcano. How'd you swing that? I didn't know what to do for my project, so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, hoping she'd know I'm an idiot and just walk right on past me. Just as long as I was holdin' something. "What do you have there, Brian?" (Chuckles) "It's a cup o' dirt. Just put an "F" on it and let me go home." "Well, explain it." "Well, it's a cup...with dirt in it. I call it cup of dirt. You should move on, now. You should go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there." So she went to this one kid, there was a kid in my class who made the same solar system nineteen years in a row. You know, a bunch of styrophome balls stuck together with coat hangers. Hey, you're breakin' some new ground there, copernicus. He's goin', "The big yellow one's the sun! The yellow one is the sun!" "Okay, what are these other planets?" "The big yellow one is the sun!" "Alright, calm down." "Wha, alright!""
"I had some Pop-Tarts this morning... Yeah, my doctor told me to eat more fruit, so, what better source than a thin layer in a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart... Melt the butter on top. I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions, they have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step, I don't know how... that's possible, that the directions are longer than one - you think it would be step one: "Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?" But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps, I wanna be in the room watching somebody who has to consult these steps: "Okay, number one, remove pastry from pouch." Ohh. Okay, yeah. I see where they're goin' with this. We are bangin' on all cylinders now. "Okay, number two, insert pastry -" Oh okay... "vertically" Ahh ohh. "into toaster." Ahhaha. I gotta get a toaster! That's like two of like 17 toaster steps. And then they have microwave directions, you can microwave a Pop-Tart that just blew me away, that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute-and-a-half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might wanna loosen up your schedule. And I swear, it says, "Microwave on high for 3 seconds" That's all. I don't think I wanna wake up and be eatin' in 3 seconds, you know the alarm goes off. "AAAAA" Now! *shoves Pop-Tart in mouth* Oh, that's right! I gotta get out of here!! If your wakin', eatin', and haulin' in 3 seconds, it's time for a change of lifestyle."