Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The List: #10 & 11

I'm going to pull a "crazy Mallory" and do TWO on my list today.
Because that's how I roll.

I've been avoiding the list because of
#10:  Describe your most embarrassing moment.


A very well known fact about me: I over-think everything. Soooo...to break down my most embarrassing moment to just one is impossible.
Seriously, it can't happen.
I have about a hundred of them running through my mind at this exact moment, wondering which to pick.
So I'm not going to.
I'm not gonna do it.
I have too many other things to worry about right now to stir up that pot. So I'm bowing out of this question.
Sorry. My list, my rules.


Moving on..
# 11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
My husband could name about a hundred of these for me. Since we - you know - cohabitate and all, it's impossible for me to not point out my pet peeves when he is doing them.
The only one he's constantly guilty of is number 1.

*side note, these are in order of most annoying to I-can-handle-it-without-killing-someone-maybe
 **also, this portion of the post is about to get incredibly angry

1. Hearing people eat
D  I  S  G  U  S  T  I  N  G
Seriously, do you really think that I want to hear you ingest your calories?
Nope. I don't.
Not even a little.
How's that coffee slurping going?
Does that soup taste better because you just DRANK IT from your spoon?
At 100 decibels?
Awesome. So glad to hear it.

2. Lingering in the left lane on the highway
Hey, guy in the 1980's busted-ass truck,
see that sign?
Read it.
Now read it again.

That's not a suggestion.

Much like THIS
isn't a suggestion.

Because if you ignore this
you're not only breaking the law
but you're also guilty of being a huge idiot.

And though it may not be posted every mile
that does not give you permission to 
LINGER
in the left lane.
 It's just implied that you should hang out in the right lane.

Because you're going 10 miles per hour slower than the posted speed limit. 
And maybe
just maybe
other people want to GO THE SPEED LIMIT.

I especially enjoy it when semi-trucks do this.
There's nothing better than going 65mph in a 75 because that truck just couldn't handle waiting for me to pass him before he could pass the truck in front of him going 63. 
Super.

I told you this was going to be angry.

3. Going to Walmart
Half my list could come from this experience alone.
As much as I enjoy paying double for the same food at Dillon's, I can't justify it when I need to stock the pantry. 

When I finally drag my butt to this lovely establishment, I
park my car a mile from the closet door
go inside to see people in pajamas dragging their screaming child to the next aisle
try to pick up my online order in the back and finally get it an hour later because their filing system is not exactly top-o'-the-line
fill my cart 
find the shortest line
find out it's the shortest line because it has the slowest checker
put all of my groceries on the conveyer
wait for the lady with food stamps in front of me to go out to her car because she forgot her ID
put all of my groceries back in my cart
move to a different line
find out I picked an even slower checker
finally get a total
give the checker my coupons
[this is where it gets ugly]
answer this question approximately 10 times:
"Do you have this item in here?"
start to get a rude tone
finally get a total
and then have a heart attack because somehow I just paid $200 dollars for the world's worst experience and only got food, toilet paper, and dog food out of it.

4. Getting asked obvious questions
"Are you cranky?"
Yeah, I'm cranky. Sense the tone, dude.  

"Is that your dog?"
As I'm walking him, down our street, on a leash.
Nope. I stole him. 

"Are you married?"
Looks down at the wedding rings on my left ring finger

"Did you drink too much last night?"
I certainly hope so, since I look like death, have random injuries, and can't formulate a complete sentence.

5.  When are you guys going to start your own family?!
Ugh.
Don't even.

6. Idiots at the airport
Again, this could take up an entire list of pet peeves.
Seriously, you didn't know that you were going to have to take off your shoes, belt, and jacket?
Are you freaking kidding me?

7. Cars who ride my bumper
Do this to me, and I guarantee you I will slow down to one mile per hour.

8. Traffic, particularly in a big city
This is terrifying more than anything. But it makes me incredibly angry.
Matt says I have road rage.
I'm actually starting to believe him..

9.  Sales people
This is ironic because I was once one of these people.
But really, do you honestly think that I'm going to buy your product if you talk about it for SO long that I could probably sell the product after you're done?
The difference between me and other sales people is that I knew when I was annoying someone so I got the hell out of there. There is no sense in irritating potential customers. Or just people in general.

10. People who are rude to waitresses. Or any food service employee for that matter.
Don't be stupid. This person is handling your food.
Customer: YOU FORGOT MY SODA. I ALMOST DIED.
Waitress: I am so sorry, sir! I will get that right away.
cue the spit


***disclaimer: don't take any of these personally if you think you do them around me. This post is meant to poke fun at my anger issues and nothing else.

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