Thursday, March 8, 2012

The List: #2

Hello, lovelies.
Time for part deux: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Again, if you're confused, I explain myself here.

This one is difficult for me because I tend to be a worry wart. An example of my craziness would be when I'm driving by a semi in the other lane on the highway and I picture the truck not seeing me and coming into my lane, or just falling over onto my car. [see? crazy] These types of fears reveal themselves constantly. They're idiotic. But at least I realize that I can be a total dip.  :)

1. My first fear is probably that I will have a heart attack. And you're thinking..what? You're 24. Pretty healthy. Active [for the most part]. Again, another silly fear. But it does stem from some sort of solid ground. I have a mild heart condition. I've been to what feels like every cardiologist in the country [including Mayo Clinic] and no one can really pin-point what to call it. It's been diagnosed as SVT, Tachycardia, and a hundred other things. But it boils down to my heart racing, at random. Imagine running a sprint. You know how fast your heart goes after that? Yeah, mine does that. While I'm sitting down. Randomly. It's annoying, but thankfully I've learned to control it [that's right, I can slow my own heart on command. jealous?] but it's certainly seeded a fear in me. It started when I was a kiddo - about 11, I think. Whenever I played basketball, it would start [it gets worse when I'm exercising]. So my parents, who were every bit as scared as I was, took me around the country trying to find answers. I've had heart monitors, a trillion EKG's, oxygen tests - I even got surgery to try to have it fixed. Unfortunately that was unsuccessful. But - back to my fear - the reason I fear I will have a heart attack is because when I was a kid, I remember a basketball player that was like 16 and just dropped dead on the court. From a heart attack. He had some sort of heart defect that no one knew about. I think it started there. And it's sort of escalated since then.

2. This one's cliche, but I am deathly, outrageously, completely terrified of the dark.
Okay, it's not that bad. But I am flippin' scared of it. I'm one of those people who has to have a light on at all times. Sometimes Matt likes to turn off the light when I'm in the shower. Then I scream bloody murder at him to turn the light back on as he walks away, chuckling. After that the fear of having a heart attack quickly becomes a possibility.
And when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, I practically sprint for fear of a hand grabbing my feet from under the bed.
This fear has no background story. I've always been afraid of the dark. 

3. And lastly - and I'm not trying to bring down the party, believe me that is not my intent - I'm beyond worried that I will never be able to have a child. This one's silly too, but as most of you know I've been struggling with infertility issues. Thankfully I have a fantastic doctor that is working diligently to get me all sorts of pregnant [that sounds weird]. I'm trying to think positively, but there's always that evil little devil in the back of my mind that says it will never happen. And believe me, I've tried not to worry about it. That doesn't happen. Just like a parent will always worry about their children, I will worry about this. Here's to hoping this fear will be gone soon!

It's funny how your fears change as you grow older. I constantly worry about Kenz and how things are going at school and if kids are being mean and if she's understanding her school work. It's a constant in my head. And I've already started to worry about Max [my soon-to-be-born nephew] and my sister and how her delivery is going to go and how painful it may or may not be for her and not being able to see them enough because we live far away. I worry about my brother and his driving and if he'll pick the right college and if people are treating him right and if he's eating healthy enough [which I assure you he is not ;)]. I worry about Kate & Randy and them flying all the way to Russia to get Olga and how they're treating her over there and if she's getting enough hugs and love. I worry about my aunts who are both struggling with illnesses and my cousins and my uncles that also struggle right along with them. And of course I worry about my parents. Not for any specific reasons, just because if anything goes wrong in their lives, it goes wrong in mine too; because I love them so much.

But in the end, it's good to know that I have so many people in my life that I can worry about. Because I think if you care enough to worry about them, they hold a very, very special place in your heart. 

Well, how about that? Totally just turned my fears into a good thing. :)

1 comment:

  1. Ahhh, this made your hormonal sister tear up. Some may say we are all too close, but why is that a problem?! Like, to the positive spin on your fears.

    Loved your 20 facts, many of them made me laugh or tear. God, good times.


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