Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Birth Story: Part II

Alright, last time we left off, I had just found out that I was, in fact, in labor. Which is cool because I was at Def-con 1 and shit was about to get real if my kid didn't vacate the premises soon. 

My sister & BIL arrived almost exactly 3 hours after I had called them. Mom was already in town, dad got there shortly before my sis. My in-laws live in the same town so they were there right away. Once everyone got there, I was much more at ease. 

Technically speaking, I was "in labor" the minute my water broke - which was at approximately 6:30 that morning. You're not allowed to be in labor longer than 24 hours because it puts the baby at risk for infection. Plus no sane human wants to be in labor for 24 hours. Or anything over 4 hours, for that matter. 

Felicia, the awesome nurse I spoke of in Part 1, had already been assigned another case that day, but liked us so much that she convinced another nurse to switch with her. Chalk up 100 more awesome-points for Felicia. She was the coolest ever and never made me feel like a dick when I asked for more ice and whined that I couldn't eat. 

Yeah, I forgot to mention that. I wasn't allowed to eat after they determined me "in labor", just in case I had to have a c-section. That pop-tart I had for breakfast was long gone after about 9 am. Poor planning. 

Anyway, back to the whole birth thing. 

After everyone got there, basically it was just a waiting game. By three o'clock I hadn't progressed any [I won't even tell you about the chart they showed me outlining dilation...] so they decided to start Pitocin. This starts your uterine contracting, which in lamen's terms means that you will soon be wishing death both upon yourself and that asshat you call a husband who put you into this situation in the first place. 

By 5 o'clock my contractions were Thor-pummeling-me-in-the-Uterus awful, so I requested an epidural, quickly realizing that I had waited way too long to ask. Matt left the room for this piece of the puzzle, mainly at my request. Because I knew he probably couldn't keep his shit together and I was in no mood to watch him pass out. My sis is a nurse, so she stayed and held my hand as they shoved a rocket-sized needle in my back. Afterwards, I'm fairly certain I fell in love with the Anesthesiologist, regardless of the fact that she was a lady. She had the magic beans, so her gender didn't matter to me at that moment. 

They gave me a little button to push when I felt like my epidural was sleeping on the job. Unfortunately this button only allotted "refills" every 10 minutes, no matter how many times I pushed it. 
Trust me, I tested the limits multiple times. 

All along this magical ride of uterine contractions that I can comfortably describe as Satan's work and a room full of people staring at me as I made statements that even the Devil would frown upon, the nurses were in contact with my doctor - you know, the guy on his way home from D.C. He really wanted to deliver this baby. Hey, I get it. But my need for getting this kid out of me was greater, so I okay-ed the increase of Pitocin so we could quickly achieve that act. 

The next couple hours passed slowly, mainly because the nurses were having trouble keeping Addi's heart rate on the monitor. As the pitocin worked its magic, the contractions got worse, and her heart rate became harder to find.

A few hours and several horrifying "progress" checks later, the nurses determined I was ready to go.
And in walks the impromptu doc. 
Guess what doctor's hat he's wearing? 
Just guess.
You'll never guess. 
It was a KU hat. 

Suffice it to say, we bonded instantly and I was okay with him delivering my kid.
Oh, who are we kidding, I would've let Justin Bieber deliver my kid if it meant not being pregnant anymore.

As the nurses are running around the room like hamsters, prepping the terrifying equipment and sterilizing the place like I was going to deliver some alien that they would later be taking in to custody, the doc comes over and asks, "We've got med students here, do you mind if they assist?" 

This is the point in my life that I realize, without question, that all shame I previously had has vanished quicker than a nut sitting in front of a squirrel.

"I couldn't care less." Just get my kid out.
I won't even detail the gargantuan leg rests they had and the lights on the ceiling that shined down on the table like a freaking interrogation room on crack. 
All I know was that kid was coming out of me and I didn't care how.

This was the point when I said bye to my dad & FIL. I think they were more than happy to leave after seeing those giant leg rests come up. Neither of them are doctors, but I'm pretty sure both realized that they would need years of therapy if they stayed in the room much longer.

Left in the room was my mom, MIL, sister & husband. Luckily the hubs had left "asshat" status quickly when the epidural set in. I think he was wishing I had asked for it sooner, too.

As soon as the doc asked me to start pushing, I realized that this wasn't going to be easy. I was pushing so hard I felt like my face was going to explode. 
Literally. At one point, I actually said to myself in my head, "Oh my god, my face is going to explode and blood is going to go everywhere." 

Nothing hurt, [thank you, Epidural, you beautiful bastard], but the process of pushing was enough to worry about. I cannot fathom how any woman could birth a child without an epidural. They deserve a purple heart.
Seriously. One for each kid.

After a few pushes, Addi's heart rate was becoming hard for them to find again.

And then after a few more, the room got quiet. 

And then I lost my shit.

"Why is everyone quiet, what's going on?" 
"Everything's fine, we just need to get her out right away. I'm going to have to use foreceps because her heart isn't taking the labor well." KU doc says.

I knew what foreceps were. Those are those things that look like giant salad tongs that were passed around at our birthing class [yeah, gross]. I remember saying to Matt, "Oh my God, they are not using those on me!". 
Turns out I didn't get a choice. 
"Well that was fun." -me, post losing-my-shit

KU Doc took the wheel and got my little lady out safe and sound. With a bruise the size of Africa on the back of her head, but we'll leave that one alone. 

"The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Thank God we got her out when we did." Cool KU doc was officially my hero.

The next moments passed by in a frenzy, but all I cared about was that she was out. She was finally here.
Adelaide Jayne
Born 8:41 pm
7 lbs 3 oz

Stay tuned for part III


  1. Mal, you are making me laugh at loud while reading this post! And you're also kind of convincing me to never give birth, ever. But then I see you with Addi and I think it's probably worth it :-)

    1. It's not as bad as I make it seem. I had to add the humor and sarcasm to make it more entertaining and less gross. ;) It really is worth it!


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