Friday, November 8, 2013

13 Unforgettable Things I've Experienced During Pregnancy

Oh, pregnancy.
We've had a love/hate relationship, have we not?

What a miserable way to spend 10 months.
[Yes, it's actually 10 months, not 9. Whatever dick came up with that "9" number better keep away from me.]

Although I've barely tolerated the whole preggo biz, I can say that there have been a few moments that I will treasure forever.
And not in a sarcastic way.
I'll actually miss them.

So today I bring you the
13 unforgettable things I've experienced during pregnancy
[in no particular order] 

13] Taking the simplest, most terrifying test of your life.
Realizing that the nausea and sore boobs are lingering a little too long. And you're an idiot for not seeing it sooner.
Awww snap.  Pass the Valium.
I'm a closet hypochondriac when it comes to pregnancy. Before I actually got those definitive two lines indicating I was, in fact, preggers, I had single-handedly kept the makers of the Kroger brand pregnancy tests in business. Stomach ache? Must be pregnant. Hit my boob on a door jam and now it kind of hurts? Definitely with child.  Cranky? Damn pregnancy hormones! Better get a test! [Feel free to judge me, but if you're a chick, you know you've done it too. Don't lie to yourself.]

The day I got that positive, I nearly shit my pants.
Good thing I was on a toilet already.

We had DECIDED we weren't going to have kids for a couple more years.

Newsflash: Your uterus doesn't care what you decided, friend. That whore does what she wants.

12] Telling the family.
FINALLY! You won't have to hear me bitch about trying to get pregnant any more!! 

The day I found out was somewhat of a whirlwind. First, I called my sister in a panic - she was the first to know. [She's become seasoned at learning how to calm me down.] And she didn't get all, "Congratulations! Your life's about to change forever! Yay!!" thankfully, because I would've flipped out even further.

After somewhat calming down, I went back to the office and tried to figure out how to tell Matt. Despite the terror rushing through my body, I wanted to make it special. This is our first kid, after all. And as I've previously explained, Pinterest has forced unrealistic expectations about monumental tasks upon all of us - me included. So I had to do; a feat I may or may not have achieved.

I told him in the most clever way I could think of: signs leading him to a pile of 4 positive pregnancy tests [I like to be thorough] while I waited anxiously downstairs. And when he finally grasped what I was telling him and retrieved me from the basement [as the signs instructed], we both gathered our thoughts and determined that we would tell our family that night.

I know, I know. Rushing it a bit, aren't we?  Well, it just so happened that very night my parents were in town for an awards dinner I was up for, and Matt's family would be in attendance as well. Talk about perfect timing. So after the world's longest dinner and speeches, Matt and I convinced my parents to come to my in-law's house for a beer before they left. We chatted. I stalled. It was all very terrifying. After all, I had found out this LIFE ALTERING news a mere 5 hours ago. 

Matt managed to find a way to weasel his way into the conversation via the semi-pathetic segue, "Speaking of sleepless nights..."
He looks at me.
I stare back, terrified.
I stare at the counter.
And finally look up.
"I'm pregnant."

There's a long pause.
I get 40 hugs at once while my poor husband sits beside me like he's caught the plague [people love pregnant women, I just can't figure out why].

I'm not sure why I was so scared, I knew they would be over the moon for us both. I suppose telling them finally resonated with me, but in the end it felt great to have them all know. Because if you know me, you know that I'm really, embarrassingly bad at keeping secrets. Especially from my mom. And especially when the secrets are this enormous. 

11] Scheduling the first OB appointment
"Thank you for calling the women's clinic, how may we help you?"
"Yeah, I'm all sorts of knocked up. Can you help me with that, please?"

After the OB debacle I experienced a couple years ago, I was up in arms about where to take my lady business. Surely no one could ever be qualified. My stipulations for an OB have always included the following: 
Not a dude.
Not creepy.
Not a douche.

Luckily, the OB I settled on qualified for 2 out of 3. He does happen to be a dude. But I told myself it was time to grow up and go with your gut. [I still find it a little weird that a man wants to go into that profession, but to each his own]. 

Later, when I showed Matt the information on this particular doc, he says to me, 
"You know this is our old neighbor, right? That doctor that lived right next door to us five months ago? That's him." 

Well, shit. 
I had mulled this decision over for WAY too long for something like a small detail of him being our ex-neighbor to ruin it. 
Eh, it'll be fine.

Finally the appointment was scheduled.
"And we're going to do a sonogram that day, as well.."

10] The first sonogram
The one and only time you'll see your kid in the form of a black and white seamonkey.
  When they told me they were going to do a sonogram, I nearly shat myself. I didn't expect one this quickly. By this point, I was so sure something had gone horribly wrong that I didn't even believe I was pregnant, [Don't worry - that lasts the entire pregnancy] so getting to see my little squirt in utero was SUPER exciting to me.

I can't exactly explain the feeling I got when we first saw that tiny little thing on the screen. At first I was thinking, "am I looking at the right thing?" And when I finally realized that I was staring at the correct object and her heartbeat was perfect, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of relief. "Thank God. Everything's fine." 

From then on, every sonogram began with me silently screaming at the sono-tech to please, for the LOVE OF GOD, FIND THE HEARTBEAT.

9] Painting the nursery
Pink or blue or gray or white or yellow or brown or...ugh, I don't even care anymore.
excuse the embarrassingly poor quality of this photo.
I decided I wanted to paint the nursery a neutral gray because "it goes with everything!" I sounded like a mom from the movies. I convinced Matt to go with me to Wal-Mart and pick up some paint and supplies so we could paint on an upcoming weekend. The next day, I was way too excited to let that paint can sit unused on the floor, so I just went ahead and painted it myself. 

I'm an independent woman, people. I can stand on a tiny step-ladder and I opened the windows so the fumes weren't even a threat. I painted - and I was done by the time Matt even got home from work! I was so proud of myself for doing it all on my own.

Having this task done just made it feel that much more real.

8] Putting together the crib
This thingamajig attaches to this other doo-dad to form some sort of Elvish Star symbol....
Yes, it required beer [for Matt] and juice-boxes [for Me] plus a trip to Lowe's for missing parts, but it was so much fun working together to put together our baby's sleep-unit. 

There's no I in teamwork, people.

 7] Gender Reveal
You're carrying really low, you're DEFINITELY having a boy. It's not a girl. It's definitely a boy.
 What a crazy reveal. It was so quiet and small and so exactly what I wanted. 

I cried a little when I found out we were having a girl. 
A little because I was a terrifying teenager and I can't imagine the shit Karma is dreaming up for me in the form of a child, but mostly because I was 100% convinced it was a boy. 
Our sono tech made an early guess based on some sort of turtle example at our 10 week appointment, so from them on we kind of had it in our heads we were having a boy. [Keep in mind, she told us this was in no way an accurate way to determine sex, she was just doing it for fun]

And then, there it was.
Adelaide Jayne.
Holy balls. 

Cute clothes and bows 
Oh God, the pink...

6] The Movement
Second Trimester: "Oh I love feeling you kick!" Third Trimester: "Tone it down! Those are my ribs and I like them in one piece thankyouverymuch!!"

I had someone tell me when I was reminiscing about the kicking, 
"Oh, just wait. It gets really annoying." 

And you know what I thought? 
I thought, "Guess what? You're really annoying. Thanks for bringing down my vibe, man."

To this day I have yet to get annoyed with her movement. It's a bit painful at times, don't get me wrong. But knowing my kid is alright in there will never get annoying to me. Her movement right now is the only form of her personality I can actually see

Based on the evidence I have accumulated, she's going to be a real fireball. 

5] Hiccups
Am I having spasms in my lady parts or is my kid hiccuping?

Like father like daughter is right.
She hiccups at least a couple times a day and I'm fairly confident she's in the vertex [head down] position just like she's supposed to be, based on where I feel those hiccups. 

I'll let you come to your own conclusions on that one so I'm not responsible for any traumatizing images/thoughts going through your head right now. 
Mostly, I feel so bad when she gets them. I'm sure I'm not alone in the hating hiccups department. They're annoying and painful and I do not enjoy them one bit. So I can't imagine she does either. 
I hear it hurts us more than it hurts them.

4] Hearing the heartbeat
Is that a horse? Is this doctor messing with me???

This was kind of a dud for me the first time we heard it, simply because sonograms are SO cool and you just get spoiled by that. 
"Oh great, a heartbeat. Big whoop." 
But after the first appointment, I came to greatly enjoy hearing her heart beat because it was just one more indicator that everything was okay in there. 

And yes, at first it really does sound like a horse galloping. Over time it begins to slow to a regular [still fast] rhythm, but the first few sound like Seabiscuit is "heartbeat-bombing" your OB appointment.

3] Stranger Kindness
Pre-pregnancy: Stranger slams door in face
During-pregnancy: "Oh let me get that door for you! How far along are you?? *Other personal questions I don't care to answer*"
After-pregnancy, toting a toddler: Stranger slams door in face while giving you a horrible look as your kid screams and kicks you in the leg.

Never have people been so nice to me. 
It can get kind of annoying. 
Sometimes I actually want to stand because getting up from the seated position is more work than it's worth.

All in all, the kindness from strangers, random smiles, and babying I have received from family/friends is something I could probably get used to. And something I better not. 
I hear once this baby finally vacates I become similar to a dead rat sitting in the corner of the room that everyone ignores because it's just gross.

Oh joy.
2] Special Treatment
You get to eat first! You're eating for two, after all!

First off, let me clear this up: I'm not eating for two. I'm eating for one plus 300 calories. Despite societal expectations, I am NOT supposed to eat like a kid fresh out of fat camp. 

But it is nice to be offered spot numero uno in line. Yes, please.
And apparently I can also BOARD AIRPLANES EARLY!
This reason in itself is enough reason for me to get knocked up. I hate Airports and I hate lines. BOOM! Problem solved.

Also could've gotten in to late night early, too. Didn't know that, either. 
People really should post this on signs.

Speaking of signs, ever seen one of these?
This baby can be found at the place I get my blood drawn, and let me just say this:
*slow clap*

They have four of these spaces and they are SO nice.
Now, when I was first pregnant and I wanted everyone in the entire solarverse to know about it, I parked here. But I didn't look pregnant. And I could still get in and out of my car without moaning and groaning. So I felt like somewhat of an asshat.

But now? NOW that parking spot is my savior. Since I can barely walk 10 steps without wheezing like a 90-year-old smoker climbing the Empire State Building.

And please, please try to tell me these parking spots are "unnecessary."
I dare you.

1] The bump
No, I did not eat a large lunch, jackass.
25 Weeks - Look at that cute bump. Just look! It's not GINORMOUS!!!
I've documented this pregnancy well, as most of you have witnessed. Sorry I'm not sorry. 
Maybe it's because I haven't gained much weight, or maybe it's because of my unending desire to post my entire life on the internet. Either way, I've enjoyed sharing it with you all [almost as much as I've enjoyed not gaining three additional chins] and I sincerely hope you've loved watching Adelaide grow. 

My biggest fear about pregnancy has been how it would affect my body. I was terrified I would gain a tremendous amount of weight and balloon up like Violet in Willy Wonka

Luckily this has not happened. I've managed [through unknown circumstances] to keep my weight gain low. I'm still wearing my pre-preggo jeans [with], ya'll. I like them because they don't give me a mom-butt. And because they give me a semblance of normalcy.

I think the most surprising part of this pregnancy has been about how much I love my body pregnant. I love looking in the mirror and seeing that huge belly. I don't have love handles [thanks to the obscure amount of stretching] anymore, I don't have a giant ass, and I don't have the looming fear of "does this look okay?" when I put clothes on. 

You know why? 
Because putting clothes on is truly a cardiovascular activity for a pregnant woman. 
Seriously. It's exhausting. 

So trying on 10 outfits before we go out is - quite literally - not an option.
On top of that, this whole  "with child" situation has made me realize that the human body [well, a woman's body, anyway ;)] is a miraculous thing.

I've learned to accept it as it is.
Let it do its thing. Don't dog on it. Because it could turn on you any minute. 
I've learned to treat my body with the respect it deserves [not necessarily food-wise. Sonic is my friend.] and to treat myself with that same respect.
I hope to continue this mantra when Adelaide finally gets here, because I want her to treat herself with respect as well. The last thing I want is for my child to doubt her worth in this world.

Only a few weeks left! I'm so ready for her to be here. I'm ready for some serious snuggling action. Awww yeeeah.

And so I leave you with a picture of Miss Adelaide at 35 weeks [I'm 36 right now, but I took this last week and am in NO shape to be photographed today]. 
Holy crappers, that is a LARGE belly.

1 comment:

  1. I seriously love everything about this entry because I totally could have wrote it myself. SO SO SOOOO TRUE!


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