Over the past couple years, Pinterest has grown significantly in popularity. Some people wonder how they even spent their free time before the pinning began.
For instance, when I was married in 2009 Pinterest was not around, which meant we had to come up with wedding decoration ideas ALL ON OUR OWN.
Talk about lame.
But now, I'm getting my revenge for the lack of DIY wedding project ideas via the "Kid" section. I scroll this particular category about 10 times a day to see what new and exciting tips, tricks or projects have risen since my last check-in.
This obsession has its downside, however:
As a soon-to-be new mother, I constantly worry about many things, several of which revolve around being the "perfect" mom. Which I have recently come to realize is simply an impossible goal to ascertain. But not according to Pinterest.
No, no. There you can find ways to throw the perfect first birthday party, how to perfectly pose your newborn, and how to pack the perfect school lunch, among a myriad of other things.
Perusing the kid section a few days ago, I came across a pin that was so ridiculous, I thought to myself, "Seriously? It's come to this? This is what makes a good parent?"
And so, I'm here to share with you today, the
[Sidenote: all of these pictures are pinned to my "Pinterest Fails" board if you would like to see the original sources.]
1. "Fun" School lunch ideas!
Because what's more fun for mom than spending 30 extra minutes making the food "fun" when your kid should just eat the GD stuff and be happy he doesn't have to eat the shitty school food?
Since my kid is still inside my body doing her thing, I have a while before I have to worry about being that craptastic mom who doesn't make themed lunches for her kids. But I must say - with the utmost certainty - this shit is ridonkulous.
Isn't "Don't play with your food!" like...a staple mantra in the mom world?
Mom: "Here, darling - I put a tattoo on your banana to make it more enjoyable to eat!"
Kid, later at lunch: "Nope. Still a banana. Still sucks."
2. Exorbitant Birthday Parties: Go big or Go home!
The budget for my daughter's first birthday party is more than my wedding, but oh well. At least she'll remember it later!
Birthday parties. What a freaking nightmare. Especially girl birthday parties. You're expected to make it frilly, pink, and over-do it to the point of death and bankruptcy.
How do you expect to keep up every year when you go all out on the first run?
Here's a thought: start small.
Don't spend hundreds of dollars on a party that stresses you out. Your kid won't remember it, anyway. She's 1. She chews on her own foot. Get her a cake, strip her down to her diaper, and let her go to town. Now that's fun.
If not dressing up like Cinderella makes me a bad parent, then so be it. I'd rather jump into a pond of piranhas then put on a blonde wig and a big-ass blue dress.
3. Majestic Pregnancy Photos
I feel like I've been ran over by a train; let's capture this beautiful time by getting professional photos taken.
It's not natural to look this good while pregnant.
So stop smiling, wannabe Marilyn Monroe.
At least the lady on the top left looks like she's fallen asleep. That's somewhat realistic.
I'm getting maternity pictures taken Friday. I figure even if we have another child, this will likely be my one chance to document the adventure, since I'm currently kid-less and I hear it takes a toll.
But I'm not going to pretend to think these pictures are going to make me look like skinny-Minnie.
My legs are swollen. My face is broken out. I can barely stand anymore.
I'm a hot mess.
Unlike these bitches up here.
Nice legs, asshat. I hope that body of water behind you is the piranha pond I will jump into later when my kid asks me to dress up as Cinderella. I'll meet you there.
4. Documenting Age
Man, this whole having a kid thing is exhausting. Maybe I should add one more project to my plate and document her growth!
First of all, please, show of hands if you can create something as beautiful and clean as this joker has done on a chalkboard for her kid's first birthday:
I didn't think so.
Speaking from experience with this whole "documenting my entire pregnancy with photos" decision I made early on, I can safely say it has been somewhat of a pain in the ass, mainly near the end. I feel as though I have to look somewhat decent, which often requires me to put on makeup [something I'm not fond of these days] and do something with my hair [it's more of a challenge than it seems].
So by the time my beautiful baby girl gets here, I think I can guestimate that I will not be in the mood for setting up a cute backdrop and getting a monthly photo of her.
You all know me well enough to assume that I will be taking hundreds of gigabytes of pictures of her and I feel like that will be enough. Sue me.
5. Rockin' wardrobe is a must!
It's neither on sale nor within my budget, plus she'll grow out of it in 3 months...might as well buy it!
Ignore the fact that these girls are ridiculously cute. Put that out of your mind.
Take a minute to stop and think about the purpose that clothes serve.
-Keep you warm
-Keep you not naked
This is the extent of my fashion knowledge, people.
That's me as a kid [on the left], eating cookie batter because I'm awesome, and wearing a Branson Dalmation shirt that I'm sure I wore nearly every other day. I used to cry when my mother put me in dresses. Or fancy socks. Or when my "pants were eating my butt." [yes, I said that]
Wedgies are no bueno, friends.
So when I look at those adorable outfits on the girls above all I can see happening is: [picture1] her pants riding up her ass, [picture2] underwear showing when she does a cartwheel or climbs on something, and [picture3] crying because it's hot as balls.
I refuse to spend a boatload of money on clothes that she will soon outgrow or that make her look like a stripping career is in her future. No two-piece swim suits here until she's at least 16. No short skirts. If my kid looks Amish, then I'll be happy. She won't be, but I will and so will her father.
Anyone know how to embroider "Rock Chalk" into a teenage bonnet?
6. Parenting Advice
I'm not a doctor nor do I have a degree of any kind, but I know that if you don't breastfeed your child she will be obese, dim-witted, and likely grow a horn. Read my blog for more information!
I've read more articles regarding pregnancy than I care to admit. It's sort of embarrassing. We went to our birthing class and I felt like that annoying jackass who knew everything already and acted completely bored.
Because I was. I could've taught that class.
Don't get me wrong, I know that this will not actually prepare me for having a newborn in any way, but it's my way of trying.
When I read blogs like the ones above, it's a great way to learn from the side of the mom, not the doctor. I think each has its place in this type of research. You can only read about episiotomies so many times before you want to cry in a corner for the rest of your pregnancy.
But it's also incredibly important for us to remember that they're just that - blogs. Most of which have no medical merit whatsoever.
So when you're planning to bottle feed and read a post from a blogger who has "breast is best" tattooed on her neck, it's vital to remember that she's probably slightly biased.
My tag line of pregnancy: "The key to being a good parent: Kiss her, hug her, love her, feed her, clothe her. Follow these rules and you're golden."
My main goal [and everyone's main goal, I think] should be to keep my kid alive. I will love her more than I thought possible [actually, I already do]. I will hold her when she cries, feed her when she's hungry, lay her down when she's sleepy, and do everything I can to make her happy.
Keep to those things and all that other crap doesn't matter.
Suck it, Pinterest.